Is PTSD Ruining the Marriage? When the Stress of the Job Comes Home
With PTSD, there is difficulty expressing emotions, discussing problems, and feeling misunderstood.
My colleague, Matt VanLiere, is a good person to talk to about the subject of PTSD ruining the marriage and other significant relationships. Matt has 29 years of law enforcement experience, and he’s in active recovery from a substance use disorder. Matt is open about the toll PTSD took on his marriage. Over time, his alcohol consumption increased as he isolated and maintained a “code of silence.” He says he and his wife, who is also a first responder, compared grisly stories about their day in a mine-is-worse-than-yours competition that left little room for empathy or healing.
The good news is that Matt has been in recovery from a substance use disorder for more than a decade and is now the Executive Director at JOHN (Just One Hero Needed), a Veterans and first responder mental health treatment center. He is also still married. Matt credits his good health to speaking up, asking for help, and building long-term connections in the recovery community. He says, “Eventually, some of us discover we can’t keep carrying everything alone. I couldn’t, but asking for help didn’t end my career or make me weak. Help exists with people who understand our culture. Treatment options exist specifically for first responders and Veterans. Recovery is possible, and a different life is achievable. So, if you’re struggling, reach out. Talk to your partner, a friend, a peer, a clinician, a chaplain, someone in recovery, or someone you trust. You don’t need the right words. You just have to start the conversation.”
Is PTSD Ruining the Marriage (and other important relationships)?
Is PTSD ruining the marriage? In a word, yes, or at least it can. Living with PTSD can contribute to relationship difficulties, including divorce. For Veterans and first responders, the effects of job-related trauma can extend well beyond the workplace, influencing every aspect of family life.
- A peer-reviewed survey found that greater PTSD symptom severity among Veterans was associated with lower relationship satisfaction and difficulties regulating emotions.
- Researchers found substantially greater marital and family difficulties among Veterans with PTSD.
- Individuals with PTSD are 3 to 6 times more likely to divorce.
- PTSD is consistently associated with lower relationship satisfaction.
- PTSD is a significant concern among Veterans and first responders, whose work can involve repeated exposure to traumatic events.
- A 2026 national study found that 14.4% of U.S. Veterans had experienced PTSD during their lifetime. Similarly, a 2025 research review estimated that approximately one in seven active first responders experienced PTSD associated with routine occupational exposure.
What is PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that can develop after someone experiences or witnesses a traumatic event. The NIH says, “People may have a range of reactions after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster, act of violence, or serious accident. Common reactions include feeling anxious, sad, or angry; having trouble concentrating and sleeping; and thinking about what happened….People may be diagnosed with PTSD if their symptoms last for an extended period after a traumatic event and begin to interfere with aspects of daily life, such as relationships or work. People who have PTSD may continue to feel stressed or frightened, even though they are not in danger.”
Matt VanLiere on the steps of JOHN with therapy dog Hero.
How PTSD Affects Marriage and Relationships
Communication
Matt calls it “the code of silence.” With PTSD, there is difficulty expressing emotions, discussing problems, and feeling misunderstood. However, there are real concerns that communicating mental health problems on the job may lead to restricted duty, suspension, or termination.
Conflict Resolution
PTSD can cause irritability, anger, defensiveness, or overreactions to daily life disagreements.
Trust
Hypervigilance is a state of heightened alertness, looking for threats or danger even when safe. With PTSD, it becomes difficult to feel safe or vulnerable, which impacts close relationships and partner well-being.
Emotional and Physical Intimacy
Withdrawal and emotional numbness, or difficulty connecting, can bring about reduced affection, changes in sexual desire, and discomfort with closeness. When combined with difficulty expressing emotions or discussing problems, the desire for intimacy can become a vicious cycle of hurt, disappointment, and unresolved issues.
Sleep and Daily Routines
Insomnia, nightmares, and exhaustion can impact the entire family system. Good sleep hygiene is vital to physical and mental health.
Social Life, Shared Experiences, and Family Dynamics
PTSD contributes to isolation, avoidance of social activities that might trigger a trauma response, and withdrawal from friends and family. PTSD doesn’t just impact marriage; it causes changes in parenting, household activities, and relationships with children.
What Can You Do to Treat PTSD and Improve Relationships?
PTSD is treatable, and recovery can help individuals rebuild trust, restore emotional intimacy, and strengthen all of their relationships. At Sanford Behavioral Health, we have a history of adapting to the needs of those we treat and the community we serve. At our Sanford West Behavioral Health Campus, we have a full complement of psychiatric and medical providers and staff who offer individualized solutions for long-term recovery from mental health conditions. We saw a need in the Veteran and first responder communities for an exclusive residential facility that understands the culture and challenges they face.
JOHN (Just One Hero Needed) offers programming exclusively for Veterans and first responders. Our staff on all levels has lived experience or strong personal ties to the military or first responder communities. JOHN is located at 221 John Street NE in Grand Rapids, Michigan, in a restored historic home designed to provide trauma-informed, mission-aligned care in a secure and respectful environment. Our facility accommodates 18 adults (18 years and older) and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including 24/7 nursing. We treat addiction, PTSD, mental health, and eating disorders. For more information about our programs, click the link below.
