Enabling VS Empathy – It’s a Fine Line – Interacting With Addiction
Even if you arenโt familiar with addiction treatment, youโve probably heard the term “enabler”.ย Enabling describes how loved ones interact with a person with a substance use disorder (SUD). And although many of us have heard the word, few of us know what it actually means.
Enabling behavior is anything that supports an addictโs disease…
Examples of enabling behavior include:
Providing access to substances.
โDarren shouldnโt come to the bar with us tonight… but itโs my birthday!โ
Using language that downplays the consequences of substance use.
โItโs not that bad. Everyone does it. Darren is just stressedโฆ he has a difficult job.โ
Avoiding difficult conversations or refusing to confront the addict. This is often due to the enablerโs own insecurities or fear.
โBut what if Darren stops talking to me after I confront him? What if he gets angry?โ
Covering up mistakes.
โDarren didnโt make it to the meeting today, so I told the boss he had food poisoning.โ
Not following through with boundaries set by the enabler.
โI said I wouldnโt lend Darren money because he uses it for alcohol. But I paid his car insurance this month, instead. That’s okay, right?โ
Taking care of responsibilities ignored by the addict.
โIโll just clean up the bathroom (again)โฆ I donโt feel like fighting with him over it.โ
No Consequences?
In these scenarios, the person with the SUDย (โDarrenโ) doesnโt have to deal with the consequences of his use. Additionally, Darren may become reliant on enabling behaviors and use them to further his addiction. In this way, Darren never needs to change his behavior. Or even view it as a problem.
It often feels uncomfortable to correct a propensity to enable. Especially if we consider ourselves to be nurturing, compassionate, or emphatic by nature. Our enabling behaviors, which harm the person with a SUD, may have felt โreasonableโ or โkindโ at the time.
Weighing In…
Lately, Iโve been struggling with my own empathic behavior. And unable to find a balance that feels โright.โ At work, my boundaries are firm and clear. But itโs difficult to navigate personal relationships, not as an addiction counselor. So I decided to ask around. I sent the following message to a number of important folks in my life:
Iโve been thinking about the difference between empathic and enabling behavior. When someone I love is struggling, where is the line between helping and harming? Any insight there?
And I received the following responses:
You can put yourself in someoneโs shoes without giving them permission to act a certain way. Donโt provide them the means to do something harmful (in the short term, or the long run). We all need compassionโฆ but enabling? Thatโs a fine line.
– College Roommate (high school teacher)
If someone isnโt helping hold you accountable, do they really care about you? Be truthful, and allow others to be truthful with you. Respect the autonomy of others, try not to be judgmental when their decisions donโt align with your valuesโฆ But if itโs destructive, step in.
– Childhood Friend (attorney)
Provide them a safe space. Donโt let them get away with anything, and give them a place to rest. Be gentleโฆ but donโt let them get away with anything.
– Partner (fishmonger)
Support and encouragement. My parents ruled with an iron fistโฆ it didnโt do much good.
– Neighbor (bartender)
When I empathize with a client, I am connecting with them emotionally. To enable a client prevents that person from taking responsibility for their emotions.
– Mom (therapist)
Empathy has to do with feelings and intentions. Enabling is using your actions to feed something thatโs unhealthy.
– Best Friend (wildlife specialist)
Youโve Gottaโ Carry That Weight
Perhaps the answer isnโt as cut-and-dried as I would like it to be. Things are easier to conceptualize when they are. Perhaps enabling behavior is much more nuanced, in practice. Folks donโt change until they want to, after all. We canโt force change, right? Even if itโs something we desperately wantโฆ needโฆ know is healthy? Do we ever need to carry that weight? What are my responsibilities, here?
I may be coming at this from the wrong angle. The goal of helping isnโt always to change. Boundaries keep the boundary setter safe. And although we canโt control โDarren,โ we can control our behavior as not to feed his addiction.
Maybe youโre struggling with this issue, too. I encourage you to refer to the above list of enabling behaviors. And if you are supporting someoneโs disease with your words or actions (or non-actions), it may be time to reconsider your role.
