Ask Rae: Is My Recovery at Risk When I Help an Addicted Person?
Dear Rae:
I have been in recovery for more than ten years, and I recently had a strange experience that makes me wonder if I have put my recovery at risk. One of the tenets of recovery is to help others, and I am a recovery advocate. Over the years, I have been open about my alcohol use disorder and have directed many people to seek help for addiction. Last week, an acquaintance called me to say their drinking was out of control and, knowing I was in recovery, asked my advice. We spoke on the phone for several hours and have agreed to meet. Weirdly, this person’s path to addiction mirrors mine, but the consequences do not seem as steep. In fact, I do not think they are taking their addiction as seriously as they should.
Since the phone call, I find myself reliving some of my worst experiences in active addiction and chastising myself for my mistakes. I have long forgiven myself for the errors I made while drinking, but for some reason, I am churning up long-buried shame. I woke with dread this morning. Is it possible I am putting my recovery at risk when I help this person? Should I cancel the meeting? MJ
Is My Recovery at Risk?
Dear MJ:
First, give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing a red flag; self-awareness is illustrative of the hard work you have put into your long-term recovery. A number of factors can trigger relapse. One of them is sensory. Sensory memory is important for survival because it allows us to recognize details, including how things look, sound, feel, and taste. In this particular scenario, these powerful sensory cues are paired with alcohol. For those recovering from an alcohol use disorder, cue-triggered relapse can occur even after years of extinguishing “the alcohol habit.”
It is important to help others in recovery, but supporting someone means you are also empathizing with them and walking their path. You say this person’s path to addiction is similar to yours. If empathy transports you to those sensory cues, it could be challenging for your recovery. Helping can turn on itself and allow the addictive voice to resurface. However, identifying those cues, riding the wave, and processing the cues can be strengthening. Does your acquaintance have a therapist? Therapy provides a safe space for both of you to identify and label emotions related to sensory cues and allows for the management of emotional intensity and deeper insight.
Should you go to the meeting?
I think you should keep the meeting: go for a coffee or a walk. This individual reached out to you, and your similar paths could be an opportunity for you to benefit from the exchange as much as they do. Try not to compare your consequences, quality of life, or approach to recovery with this person’s. Everyone’s recovery is different. Comparisons tend to leave us feeling insecure, fearful, and resentful. Remember what it felt like when you made the first call or went to the first recovery meeting? While their story alarms you, the reason you are meeting with this person is to provide a safe space for them to share thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection, regardless of where they are in the recovery journey.
My mother-in-law always says if you are feeling down, get out and help someone! Adlerian philosophy is the basis for that sentiment. Alfred Adler, who was an important figure in the development of psychotherapy, believed that helping others is an important component of a well-lived life. He said, “Altogether, in every step of the treatment, we must not deviate from the path of encouragement.” As you fulfill your recovery mission of encouraging others and being a positive influence, be prepared to limit contact for your well-being.
Taking Care of Yourself…
Taking care of your own physical, emotional, and mental needs will make you better equipped to support others. Being in a solid place yourself allows you to let your friend speak about their problems without shame. Try to keep in mind that change is gradual and can have ups and downs. As part of their recovery, they can feel like you care enough to listen to them. It may just be the ticket for this person to stay engaged in the recovery process and for you to strengthen yours.
If you or a loved one feel your recovery is at risk or are struggling with addiction, eating disorders, or a mental health condition, donโt wait to change your life. Click the link below to speak with an admissions specialist about our programs.
