How Do I Talk To My Loved One About Their Drinking?
Updated 7/7/2025
One of the questions I get as an addiction counselor with an advice column (Ask Rae) is, “How do I talk to my partner, loved one, or friend about their drinking?” In fact, some of Sanford Behavioral Health’s most viral articles are about the subject of alcohol ruining relationships. It is one of the reasons we started answering the phone with a real person 24/7. Our research shows that individuals look for information about addressing alcohol misuse between the hours of midnight and 6:00 am. We can imagine someone lying awake after a holiday “incident” wondering, “What should I do?” Likewise, the morning after a holiday like the Fourth of July, when alcohol is readily available, our admissions team receives a surge of calls from friends or family members who are concerned and seeking advice.
When someone in the household is misusing alcohol, it impacts the entire family system.
- Alcohol also serves as a stress reducer, but it adds stress to the family..
- It impacts relationships with tension, arguments, missed milestones, lies, and obfuscations.
- I hear family members say their loved one “chose alcohol” over them, causing anger and jealousy.
- Children seek to understand why there is “something wrong” with Mommy or Daddy.
- Universally, the subject is difficult to introduce. There may be fear that bringing up the subject will cause an argument or a bout of drinking.
How Do I Talk to My Loved One About Their Drinking?
If this question resonates, let me start by saying you are not alone. Stress goes hand-in-hand with increased drinking, and statistics show that stress, anxiety, and alcohol consumption skyrocketed during the pandemic and have continued in its aftermath. The comorbidity (taking place at the same time) of anxiety disorders and alcohol misuse is a common occurrence. And once anxiety and alcohol misuse co-occur, they feed each other. Stress causes an individual to drink, and drinking causes stress. Additionally, the condition often progresses if left untreated, so it is positive that you are asking the question, have recognized a problem, and are ready to seek help. Unsure if your loved one’s drinking has progressed to alcoholism?
A rule of thumb is that if a family member’s drinking negatively impacts the family, there is a drinking problem.
If your partner becomes angry or avoids the subject when you bring it up, it might be because they feel embarrassed, ashamed, or threatened. Additionally, if their alcohol use has progressed to dependence, the resistance is even stronger. Approach them with sympathy, kindness, and without judgment. Find a time when you are alone, and they have not been drinking, are overly tired, or visibly stressed. Let them know how their drinking has affected you and your family. Offer suggestions and support.
Things to Avoid when Talking to a Loved One About Their Drinking:
- Choose a time when your loved one is not drinking or intoxicated.
- Plan, practice, or have notes, and keep them brief.
- Acknowledge your feelings; it’s natural to be nervous or upset.
- An alcohol-related incident is a frustrating and hurtful situation, but please refrain from approaching them with anger or sarcasm.
- If the discussion becomes heated, walk away.
- Do not blame.
- Don’t make excuses for your loved one.
- You have a better opportunity for success in recovery if you catch the problem at the misuse and treat it with a medical model, such as Sanford Behavioral Health’s addiction treatment program. Therefore, do not delay the discussion.
- Discuss services and treatment options, or have a number ready for them to call.
Getting Help for Your Drinking Partner
Fortunately, several evidence-based strategies are available for treating anxiety and alcohol use disorders, including pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy. Your best friends are research and education. Look for treatment centers in your area offering integrated programs treating both disorders. Sanford Behavioral Health provides a wide range of care options, including residential, virtual, day, partial-day programs, one-on-one therapy, family therapy, and support groups.
Most of all, don’t give up. This disease wears everyone out, not just the drinking loved one. The brain problems associated with substance use disorders dramatically hinder a person’s ability to make the right decisions. Your loved one’s poor choices are likely reflective of an escalating progressive disease. Seek out family programs and support to reassure yourself that you are not alone. And remember – when your loved one gets well, the entire family gets well.
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To Ask Rae Green, JD, LPC, CAADC, a Question, Click the Link:
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